House of Eratosthenes

We seem to be having a constant fascination in this subject: “What’s Womens’ Lib?” I think what the boy has figured out, is that both of his parents approve of the intent behind the womens’ liberation movement, and at the same time, we both deplore it’s ultimate effects on society. This is pretty advanced stuff for elementary school. So this time, I broke it down into a play.

After I did that, I thought it’d be a great idea to jot it down, because it would be a great education to our young people to actually put this thing on…although it’s a bit spicy. Even for eighth grade, let alone fourth or fifth. Some parts would have to be sanded down and refined. And I’m not entirely sure how to do that.

Nevertheless, here it is.

DIANA, GODDESS OF WOMENS’ LIB, A PLAY IN TEN REALLY SHORT ACTS.

CAST:
• Diana, Goddess of The Moon, Hunting, Archery, and Womens’ Lib
• Frank, an old man
• Joseph, a boy
• Benjamin, another boy
• Gregory, another boy
• Cynthia, a girl
• Marcia, another girl
• Captain Kirk, Captain of the Starship Enterprise
• Mister Spock, Science Officer of the Starship Enterprise
• Ensign Chekov, Helmsman of the Starship Enterprise
• Yeoman Rand, Coffee retriever on the Starship Enterprise
• Lt. Uhura, Communications officer on the Starship Enterprise
• Flight Captain (Voice)
• Air Travel Company Executive
• Patty (Stewardess)
• Jennifer (Stewardess)
• Passenger #1
• Passenger #2
• Passenger #3
• Passenger #4
• Boss
• Gina
• Bert Parks
• Linda
• Company President
• Vice President #1
• Vice President #2
• Vice President #3
• Female Manager
• Male Manager #1
• Female Housewife
• Male Manager #2
• Daycare Provider
• Woman Staffer
• Lady Jogger
• Construction Worker #1
• Construction Worker #2
• Construction Worker #3
• Husband
• Wife
• Boy
• Movie Director
• Macho Male Spy Actor
• Wimpy Male Spy Actor
• Female Spy Actor
• Bad Guy Actor
• Male Jock Plants
• William Jefferson Clinton, United States President
• Ken Starr
• Monica Lewinsky
• Linda Tripp
• Paula Jones
• Juanita Brodderick
• Grand Jury Foreman
• Grand Juror #1
• Grand Juror #2

ACT I
Afternoon. In an empty lot between the school and an old man’s yard.

Joseph: It’s hot.
Marcia: I wish we had something to drink.
Benjamin: There’s a store over there. We could buy something.
Cynthia: But none of us have any money.
Frank: Hey there, you rotten kids! Get off my lawn!
Joseph: Oh hi, Old Man Frank. We were just wishing we had some money so we could buy something to drink.
Frank: Money? I’ll tell you what. I’ve been wanting to get my old dead grass raked up. I’ll give you kids some money if you’re up to the job.
Gregory: That’s awesome!
Marcia: How much do we get paid?
Frank: I’ll tell you what…if you all get together and rake up this dead grass, I’ll give each of you boys a dollar, and the girls…uh…oh, I guess, fifty cents.
All The Kids in Unison: That sounds great!

(There is a thunderous din. Everybody freezes. A cymbal crashes. The stage lights flicker.)

Chorus (V.O.) (singing from Helen Reddy’s I Am Woman): I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible)…I am woman…

(Diana leaps onto the stage. She has a headband made of steel, a bustier made of steel, and a leather skirt and battle boots like Xena, Warrior Princess.)

Diana: Hold it everybody! This isn’t right! The girls should be paid just as much as the boys!
Frank: They should?
Diana: That’s right! Don’t you know it’s 1967? It’s a new world now. You’re paying all these kids to do a job. Now if the girls are responsible for getting the job done, they should be paid every penny as much as the boys.
All The Kids in Unison: Really?
Diana: Yes! It’s called equal pay for equal work. It isn’t fair to pay the girls on the cheap and pay the boys more for doing the same job!
Frank: Gosh, Diana Goddess of Womens’ Lib…when you put it that way, it makes a lot of sense!
All The Kids in Unison: Thanks, Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib!

(Diana leaps offstage. Frank pays the girls every bit as much as he pays the boys, to do the same job.)

ACT II
Bridge, The Starship Enterprise.

Captain Kirk: Take us out of Warp — Chekov.
Ensign Chekov: Aye Aye, sir.
Yeoman Rand: Your coffee, Captain.
Kirk: Thank you — Yeoman — Rand. Love yer — hair.
(Kirk playfully smacks Yeoman in the seat of her skirt)

Chorus: I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible)…

Mister Spock: Captain — scanning the energy signature of a mysterious entity inside the ship — a surge of tremendous passion and determination to control the behavior of others. There seems to be no logical explanation for it.
Kirk: Red alert!.

(And out of nowhere, Diana appears)

Diana: Hold it right there, buddy!
Kirk: What the– Who — are you?
Spock: Sensors indicate the unauthorized person is a “feminist,” a socially active entity from twentieth-century earth.
Diana: I am Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib, and I’m here to tell you you can’t smack women in the butt anymore.
Kirk: Why not?
Diana: It’s demeaning.
Yeoman Rand: But I don’t mind. I work hard to get Captain Kirk to smack me in the butt.
Diana: That’s because you’re brainwashed. It’s a new world now, and women are waking up. And another thing: How come you have a woman bringing you coffee? When you put women on your bridge, you have to give them some real responsibility.
Lt. Uhura: But — I’m the communications officer.
Diana: That’s a great start, but keep working at it. (To Kirk) Remember, pal — it’s 1969 now. Hands off. Or I’ll be back!
(Diana vanishes)
Kirk: I — think something — of great — significance — just happened — here.
Spock: Taken at face value, her points seem to be quite logical.
Kirk: Indeed.
Bridge crew, in Unison: Thanks, Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib!

ACT III
Southwest Airlines, Flight 302. Interior. A passenger airplane.

Captain (V.O.): Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We’ll be cleared for take-off in just a few minutes here, but first I’d like to welcome you aboard. Your stewardesses, Patty and Jennifer, are on hand to see to your every need and you’ll notice they’re decked out in Southwest Airline’s brand new stewardess uniforms!

(Patty and Jennifer prance up and down the aisle. Their skirts are so short they don’t dare bend over.)

Chorus: I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible)…I am woman…

(Diana leaps onto the stage.)

Diana: This doesn’t look right at all!
Executive: Hey now! What’s going on here?
Diana: These uniforms are ridiculous! Where are all the male stewardesses? Am I to believe you’re going to have the male stewardesses wearing these short skirts?
Executive: Now see here, miss…
Diana: That’s Ms.!
Executive: Oh…kay…now see here, Ms. We don’t have any male stewardesses. And if we did, they would wear trousers, of course.
Diana: Well from here on, that’s about to change. I just got done yelling at Captain Kirk for not promoting enough women into positions of heavy responsibility — and if anything is to be done about that, you’re going to have to demote some men into positions of light responsibility. Like being a stewardess. That means the miniskirts have to go!
Executive: But…the passengers happen to like the miniskirts.
Passenger #1: That’s right, we do.
Passengers #2, #3, and #4: Yeah!
Diana: I don’t care what your passengers want. The uniform is demeaning to women. And your policy against male stewardesses is reprehensible! Don’t you know it’s 1972?
Executive: Well, we find women are more talented at getting the orders right the first time.
Diana: Nonsense. If you look hard enough, I’m sure you’ll find male stewardesses who are perfect for the job. Now, this conversation is over. I don’t care what you want, or what your passengers want. Hire some male stewardesses! Do it now! I’ll be watching…

(Diana leaps offstage again)

Remaining Cast, in Unison: (after looking quizzically at each other) Uh, well gee, thanks, Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib!

ACT IV
Small Office

Boss: Good afternoon, Gina.
Gina: Good afternoon, Boss.
Boss: Gina, I was wondering. Do you suppose you could work late tonight?
Gina: That would be fine. I have no plans.
Boss: You know, you’re a bright, fine-looking girl. You really should have a man looking after you. Why do you suppose you’re still single?
Gina: I don’t know. I suppose I just haven’t met the right fella.
Boss: A woman like you could go far, in these enlightened times. I hear Diana, The Goddess of Womens’ Lib is making sure we hire women like you into positions of authority. Of course, it still falls to us to figure out which women to promote. We have to keep an eye out for ladies of your intellect…
Gina: Yes, I understand.
Boss: …and your loyalty and work ethic…
Gina: Of course.
Boss: (lecherously) …and your friendliness.
Gina: Yes — huh?
Boss: You know what would really help your career a lot…is…
(Boss whispers something in Gina’s ear. Gina gets a horrified look on her face.)

Gina: Boss!

Chorus: I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore…

(Diana leaps onto the stage.)

Diana: Take that!
(She lifts her knee into the Boss‘ crotch)
Boss: Oof!
Diana: You deserve that, and more! In 1973, it is indecent to use your position of authority to exploit young women!
Gina: Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib! Thank goodness!
Diana: He’ll never bother you, or anybody else again. I’m going to make sure he is defrocked of his position of authority.
Boss: Oh, no…
Diana: That’s right, buster. It’s to the salt mines for you! Women have been exploited by the likes of you for five thousand years now, and we don’t have to take it anymore!

(Diana leaps offstage again, dragging the screaming boss behind her, by his ear)

Boss: Ow!
Gina: Thanks Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib!

ACT V
The Miss America Pageant

(Linda, a young lady in a one-piece bathing suit is wrapped in a robe fit for royalty, and a diamond tiara is placed on her head. She is handed a large bouquet of flowers.)

Bert Parks: (Singing) Here she is…Miss America…

Chorus: I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible)…I am woman…

(Diana leaps onto the stage.)

Diana: (To Bert) You’re old!
Bert Parks: I am?
Diana: And you’re fired!
Bert Parks: Oh…no!
Diana: (To Linda) You! Put some clothes on!
Linda: But…I’m being crowned Miss America!
Diana: You can’t do this anymore! It’s demeaning to women!
Linda: (Starts to cry.) But…I was counting on this scholarship money for my education! I would have been the first one in my family to go to college!
Diana: Not this way, you don’t. We’re not going to allow it, because we’re empowering women!
Linda: ++SOB!!++
Diana: It’s 1975, the beginning of a brave new world. You’ll just have to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps someplace else!

(Diana leaves)

Bert and Linda, Together: Uh, well, thanks a lot, Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib!

ACT VI
Company Boardroom. The Company President and his Vice Presidents are considering candidates to fill a new Director position.

Company President: Now then, these two candidates are very evenly matched. Bring them in.
Vice President #1: Yes, sir. (Opens the door and speaks out of it) Please send in the two candidates, thank you.

(Male Manager #1 enters, followed by Female Manager)

President: Now then, have you ever been arrested?
Male Manager #1: No, sir.
Female Manager: No, sir.
President: And you’ve been working for us for how long?
Male Manager: Five years, sir.
Female Manager: The same, sir.
President: And what kind of degrees do you have?
Male Manager: I have a Bachelor’s.
Female Manager: I also have a Bachelor’s.
President: You two seem very evenly matched. We’ll have to talk this over.
President and Vice Presidents: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…

Chorus: I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore…

(Diana leaps onto the stage.)

Diana: (Pointing at the Female) You have to hire her!
President: We do?
Vice President #1: We do?
Vice President #2: We do?
Vice President #3: We do?
Diana: Yes! Absolutely!
President and Vice Presidents, in Unison: But why?
Diana: Because she’s a woman!
Vice President #1: But her qualifications and education are exactly the same as the man’s.
Diana: I have been monitoring your personnel statistics. Your company has a hundred directors, and only twenty-five of them are women! The other seventy-five are men! You need all the female directors you can get!
Vice President #2: That doesn’t seem fair. The man has been working just as hard as she has. In fact, his job history is slightly more impressive.
Diana: That doesn’t matter. Anyway, you have to give the woman some allowance for the holes in her job history that will naturally crop up, because society expects women to interrupt their careers to take care of their children. You need to recognize this challenge women have. It’s part of acknowledging that men and women are exactly the same.
Vice President #3: We have to provide special accommodations to women so we can recognize men and women are exactly the same? That doesn’t make any sense.
Diana: Gentlemen, you had better find a way to make it make sense. It’s 1978, and times are different now. Bow down before me, or I will pass some more laws to make you bow down before me. For I am Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib!

(Lightning sound effect. A strong breeze blows through the boardroom. The President and Vice Presidents all genuflect before Diana.)

President and Vice Presidents, in Unison: We see your point, in the face of draconian regulations and potential legal liability.

President: Female Manager?
Female Manager: Yes, sir?
President: The job is yours.
Female Manager: Yippee!
President: Who’s next?

(Male Manager #1 and Female Manager exit.)

(Male Manager #2 enters.)

President: Now, it says here that you’ve been with us for an astonishing twenty years and there are no other applicants for this Director position.

(Diana reaches offscreen, and drags in a Female Housewife who is holding a plastic baby in her arms.)

Diana: Hire her!
President: What?
Vice President #1: What is this?
Vice President #2: Who is this?
Vice President #3: Where’d she come from?
Housewife: What am I doing here?
Diana: You’re getting hired.
Housewife: I am?
Male Manager #2: Excuse me…what is going on here?
President and Vice Presidents, in Unison: We don’t know.
Diana: You need a career.
Housewife: I don’t want one.
Diana: Yes you do.
Housewife: No, I don’t.
Diana: You want to work. It’s all about personal choice.
Housewife: But I’m happy where I am, at home, taking care of my baby.
Diana: Stop being so lazy. (Grabs plastic baby and flings it offstage.)
Housewife: Aaaiiggh! My baby!

(Daycare Provider walks onstage, holding baby.)

Daycare Provider: It’s okay, I caught it.
Housewife: It? It’s a Him.
Daycare Provider: Not anymore. I’ll take good care of it.
Diana: There. You see? Everything’s going to be all right. You can have it all. (To President and Vice Presidents.) Hire her.
President and Vice Presidents, in Unison: Okay.
Male Manager #2: Ah, well. Sucks to be me, I guess.

(Woman Staffer walks onstage.)

Woman Staffer: Can I say something?
Diana: Sure, go ahead.
Woman Staffer (points to Vice President #1): He needs to go.
Vice President #1: Me? Why?
Woman Staffer: Sexual Harrassment. Didn’t you watch the last act?
Vice President #1: Yes…but…this is absurd! I’ve never met you before in my life!
Woman Staffer: You looked at me funny.
Vice President #1: I didn’t look at you.
Woman Staffer: You made me feel uncomfortable.
Diana: Out he goes!
Vice President #1: But she’s lying!
Diana: Women don’t lie!
Vice President #3: Um…I thought you said men and women were exactly the same.
Diana: Not when I say otherwise! She’s telling the truth. Women don’t lie about this stuff.

(Diana grabs Vice President #1 by his earlobe.)

Vice President #1: Aaaiigh!

(Diana carries the Vice President offstage.)

Everybody, in Unison: Thanks, Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib!
Woman Staffer: (Someone offstage tosses her a big bundle of money, and she waves it) Yes, thank you Diana!

ACT VII
Construction Site

(Construction Workers #1, #2 and #3 are working jackhammers, breaking up an old sidewalk. An attractive Lady Jogger jogs past, in front of them. Construction Workers look up.)

Construction Worker #1: (Wolf whistle.)

Chorus: I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible)…I am woman…

(Diana leaps onto the stage.)

Diana: Judo…CHOP!

(She lowers a chop down on Construction Worker #1.)

Construction Worker #1: Ow!

(Construction Worker #1 falls down.)

Diana: That ought to teach you a thing or two!
Construction Worker #2: Uh, lady…this is a public street. Can’t my friend look at whatever he wants to look at and make whatever noises he wants?
Diana: It’s 1980, pal! Get with it! You, there!
Lady Jogger: Me?
Diana: We need some help here. These “men” need some conditioning.
Lady Jogger: You want me to help? How?
Diana: Just keep jogging. Right here. Back and forth.
Lady Jogger: Back and forth?
Diana: That’s right.

(Lady Jogger jogs back and forth.)

Diana: That’s right, you animals…keep your minds on your jobs. Nothing to look at there. Heads down…heads down…
Construction Worker #3: Whatever you say, Diana.
Diana: I think you’re gettting it, I think you’re getting it. Don’t look at the pretty girl. Don’t look…that’s right, nothing to see here…might as well be a nun running around there…or a really old, ugly fat woman.
Lady Jogger: What?
Diana: Just keep running. You, just keep working.
Lady Jogger: Hey!
Diana: What?
Lady Jogger: I work really hard to look this good!
Diana: Not for them, you don’t.
Lady Jogger: Well now waitaminnit, I’m not so sure I’m happy with this.
Diana: Quiet down, and keep jogging. This is about mutual respect and personal choice.
Lady Jogger: Do I get a say in this? I didn’t mind the whistling that much.
Diana: Not when equal rights are at stake. Your slovenly ways are just going to have to take a back seat.
Lady Jogger: I thought it was about personal choice.
Diana: That’s right, personal choice. Not your personal choice. It’s more about my personal choice. For I am Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib!

(Diana leaves)

Construction Workers and Lady Jogger: (Exchange glances for a very long time, and then, very unenthusiastically): Uh, well, thanks a lot, Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib!

ACT VIII
Household Kitchen. Six in the Evening.
(Wife is preparing dinner. Husband walks in the front door.)
Husband: Honey! I’m home!
Wife: Hello, dear! How was your day?
Husband: Oh, just insanely busy. What’s for dinner? I’m starving!

Chorus: I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore…

(Diana leaps onto the stage.)

Diana: How about a knuckle sandwich?
Husband: Wha–?
Diana: It’s 1982, you neanderthal. Women don’t make dinner for their husbands anymore. That savage custom is a relic from a by-gone era. Get with it!
Wife: Wait a minute…I’ve always cooked dinner for my husband.
Diana: Sweetie, you don’t need to spend your waking hours pandering to his selfish whims. It’s an enlightened era.
Wife: The heck you say!
Diana: What?
Wife: My mother listened to that crap you’re peddling a whole decade ago. You know what she did? She ignored my father entirely. From the moment she heard about what you were doing she never uttered a kind word in his direction. In fact, she held him up to mockery in front of her other bitter, man-bashing friends. He put up with it for three years, and then he was gone.

Think about it, Diana. What kind of self-respecting man would put up with that garbage? Every single household question that came down the pike — and you would have no idea how often that happens in a real household, would you? — she made a point of finding out what he wanted, and doing the opposite. She defined her entire identity according to her daily routine of ridiculing him, around the clock, to the point where she lived for no other purpose.

And so, one night he left to get us all some ice cream — Mother always said it was his job, and that when he did it we shouldn’t thank him for it because he was just doing what he was supposed to be doing anyway — and we never saw him again.

My little brother withered into a shell of his former self without a strong, fatherly influence. All his budding pubescent energies were channeled into nothing…just dysfunctionality and nihilism. It started with petty vandalism, and then he joined a gang. Two years ago, we had to go to his funeral. The policeman told him to stop, and he didn’t. It was a wasted life, and an entirely preventable death. A death that resulted from our modern society’s disrespect and completely gratuitous and unprovoked scorn toward all things masculine — thanks to you, Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib.

And I swore, when the day came that I became a family woman, I would be a loving housewife and I’d be happy doing it. And that’s exactly the way things have worked out. I have a knight in shining armor who works night and day to keep us all fed and happy, and if all I have to do to show him how much he means to me is spend half an hour grilling up some beef stroganoff, then that’s what I’m going to do. I consider it an honor and a privilege! What do you have to say to that?

(Diana shuffles uneasily from foot to foot. She pauses a long time before speaking, even though all eyes are on her.)

Diana: Well, I have to admit you have really opened my eyes. I can see now that I’ve been trying to promote harmony and equality, by upholding the exact opposite and the result has been anarchy and chaos. I have to admit I’m really ashamed of myself. I didn’t intend, all these years, to attack the family. It just…turned out that way. I don’t know what to say about it, really.

But perhaps I can make amends. Perhaps I can encourage men and women to respect each other and treat each other, not necessarily as carbon-copy equals, but more like partners. Yes, that’s it. Partners, each of whom have something unique to bring to the challenges in life that they must confront together — neither one of them complete without the help of the other.

And this will foster in a brand new era of mutual respect and appreciation, in which each of the sexes is truly grateful for the participation and contributions of the other…

Nah, What am I saying??

You almost had me. No, sister, we’re sticking to Plan A. Women are wonderful, so long as they do as I say. Men are scum. And you, buster, if you want any dinner at all tonight, you’re taking your family out to McDonald’s! Otherwise, you take them anyway. And you go hungry.

Because that’s what I say. Everyone has to do exactly what I say! It’s all about personal choice! Be strong! Be powerful! Be a modern-age woman!

(Diana takes the pan of beef stroganoff and dumps it in the trash on her way out the door.)

Husband, Wife and Boy, in Unison: (Droning out the words, waving very slowly.) Thanks…Diana…Goddess of Womens’ Lib…

(Long pause.)

Wife: Is she gone yet?
Husband (looking out the window): I think so.
Wife: I’ll get started on another pan…

ACT IX
Movie Set

(Female Spy Actor is tied down to the railroad tracks. Bad Guy Actor stands over her and gloats.)

Bad Guy Actor: Ha ha, Ms. Peel, you’ll soon fall to pieces over Big Bad Bart!
Female Spy Actor: Oh, you dastardly fiend!
Bad Guy Actor: And soon, everyone will know my name!
Movie Director: Cut! (He is seated on a chair, with big white letters “DIRECTOR” on the back rest, which is facing the audience. His chair is mounted on trolley rails, with wheels, so it can be extended on stage and retracted back out of sight, about six feet or so.) Let’s try that again, with more feeling.
Bad Guy Actor: Okay…
Movie Director: And…action! (His chair retracts on the trolley rails.)
Bad Guy Actor: (Lowers his voice by an octave) Ha ha, Ms. Peel, you’ll soon fall to pieces over Big Bad Bart!
Female Spy Actor: (In a higher pitch) Oh, you dastardly fiend!
Bad Guy Actor: And soon, everyone will know my name!

(Macho Male Spy Actor bounds onscreen.)

Macho Male Spy Actor: Judo…CHOP!

(Macho Male Spy Actor hits the Bad Guy Actor.)

Bad Guy Actor: Ouch!

(Bad Guy Actor pretends to pass out.)

Female Spy Actor: Oh, thank goodness you came along just in time to save me!
Macho Male Spy Actor: Not a problem, that’s my job. Now then. I see the medallion around our villain’s neck is written in ancient Sumerian cunieform, which, it just so happens, was my major in college. Let’s see now…the medallion says…”TREK…YE…INTO…THE…VALLEY…BETWEEN THE TIGRIS…AND EUPHRATES…RIVERS…”

Chorus: I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible)…I am woman…

(Diana leaps onto the stage.)

Diana: Cut…cut…CUT! This movie is ALL wrong.
Movie Director (His chair is wheeled back out on the trolley rail): Now wait a minute. Who are y– oh, it’s you, Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib.
Diana: That’s right. And I’m here to tell you, movies like this are no fun to watch at all.
Movie Director: Well I beg to differ. Every time we make a movie like this we spend fifty million and we make back half a billion.

(He cups his ear as he faces the audience, and leans slightly to Stage Left. From offstage, the mighty CHA-CHING of a cash register can be heard.)

Movie Director: Now Diana, you have been around for awhile by now. I have a thing or two I’d like to say. You’ve been antagonizing people and bullying people, making them do what you tell them to do supposedly out of concern for personal choice. You’ve been giving women special privileges they don’t even want, supposedly out of concern for equality. You’ve been painting a virtual bulls-eye on the backs of hard-working men, ending their careers, and bludgeoning and coercing their women into having pissy, antagonistic attitudes toward them, supposedly to promote harmony between the sexes. Well, as a famous movie director, I have made some big money for this studio making movies that men like — and you know what I’ve found? I’ve found that women like those movies too. It turns out they can’t get enough of a big, strong, smart, resourceful man.

As much as that irritates you, I’m afraid it’s going to continue. Starting here. And here, Diana, is where your nonsense stops once and for all!

(Male Jock Plants erupt in applause at the very back of where the audience is seated. They shout and yell in jubilant cheer as they applaud, for a minute or two, solid. After awhile, it dies down to complete silence.)

Diana: You finished?
Movie Director: Yes, I think that just about covers it.
Diana: You sure?
Movie Director: Yes.
Diana: Good. Because there are just a few things I’d like to point out to you…which I thought you ought to want to know.
Movie Director: Such as?
Diana: Like, for starters, it’s 1993.
Movie Director: So?
Diana: So…it’s a pretty big year. I don’t know if you’ve been reading the — newspapers? You should. We’ve just elected a great big flock of women to the House of Representatives.
Movie Director: And?
Diana: And, we’ve just elected three women to the Senate. That’s five women in the nation’s upper chamber now. Never have there been so many, since the days of George Washington.
Movie Director: Okay…what of it?
Diana: There’s more. (She begins to pace around him, slowly, in a circle.) …You know, we feminists…we own the White House now.
Movie Director: Really? (His voice trembles, just a little bit.) The President is still a man you know.
Diana: A man, yes. But a man of our making. A baby boomer. Well-mannered. Eager to please. Completely lacking in traditional family values. And the best part is, his wife yells at him constantly. Oh yes, he’s terrified of her. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. And you know…

(She stops walking around him, planting herself, feet shoulder-width apart, in front of him. His Adam’s Apple is visible as it bobs up and down in his throat.)

Diana: …we feminists can’t get enough of that. We’re just eatin’ it up. With good reason.

Diana: So we feminists control the United States government now. Now, you know, there are some who say the movie industry could benefit from some…you know…regulatory oversight? Who do you think is in charge of making regulations here?

(The Movie Director stares out into the audience, seemingly not knowing what to say in response to this…as Diana walks around him, continuing.)

It could be very expensive running a movie business when you have to constantly answer to meddling congress…men — hmmmph! — to coin a figure of speech. I’m not so sure how many movie studios like yours will be making a profit over the next few years. In fact, I have some real doubts about how many projects will be green-lit. A lot of promising movies could run into a brick wall just because of funding issues. And that would be a pity wouldn’t it?

Now then…uh…who is making this movie, again?

(Movie Director looks at Diana. Then down at the ground. Then up into the stage lights. He looks back at Diana again, puts his megaphone down by the Director’s Chair. Then he pulls on a velcro flap, throwing it over the back of the chair, so it faces the audience. The white letters on the black fabric flap say “A-N-A” — so when it falls down over the sign on the back of the chair that says “DIRECTOR,” it changes to “DIANA”. Wordlessly, he then exits Stage Left.)

Diana: Yeah! Now that’s more like it! You there.
Macho Male Spy Actor: Me?
Diana: Yes, come over here. (He comes over.) Let me get a good look at you. Muscles…square jaw, like on a cash register…with a cavernous Kirk Douglas dimple in the middle…big broad shoulders…yes, yes. Yummy. What a perfect physical specimen you are. You won’t do at all.
Macho Male Spy Actor: No?
Diana: Nope. Turn around. (He turns around.) Out you go. (She raises her boot to the seat of his pants, and gives him a good healthy shove, literally kicking him out of the movie, Stage Right.) Okay, now YOU! Yes, you. Get in here.
Wimpy Male Spy Actor: Hi.
Diana: Nice eyebrows. Good enough for the WB Channel. Raise them skyward for me.
Wimpy Male Spy Actor: Like this? (He “tents” his eyebrows together, making his twenty-three year old forehead all crinkly.)
Diana: Yes! Perfect! Lots of emotion, but non-threatening. That’s exactly what we want. Now, let’s shoot this scene from the top!

(Female Spy Actor is tied down to the railroad tracks. Bad Guy Actor stands over her and gloats.)

Bad Guy Actor: Ha ha, Ms. Peel, you’ll soon fall to pieces over Big Bad Bart!
Female Spy Actor: Oh, you dastardly fiend!
Bad Guy Actor: And soon, everyone will know my name!
Wimpy Male Spy Actor: (Scrunches his eyebrows together non-threateningly.) Gosh, this is, like, really scary! What are we gonna do?
Female Spy Actor: Scary for HIM, you mean! (She struggles free of her bonds.)
Bad Guy Actor: What the — how did you do THAT?
Female Spy Actor: Judo…CHOP!
Bad Guy Actor: Ow!
Wimpy Male Spy Actor: (Scrunches his eyebrows together non-threateningly.) I just so totally support you in everything you do!
Female Spy Actor: As well you should. Hmm. Now this is interesting.
Wimpy Male Spy Actor: What?
Female Spy Actor: The medallion around our villain’s neck is written in ancient Sumerian cunieform, which, I’ve made a habit of studying in my spare time between my brain surgeon job and the pursuit of my law license. Let’s see now…the medallion says…”TREK…YE…INTO…THE…VALLEY…BETWEEN THE TIGRIS…AND EUPHRATES…RIVERS…” Oh dear.
Wimpy Male Spy Actor: What is it?
Female Spy Actor: This is the ancient cunieform symbol for a twenty megaton thermonuclear device. We’re going to have to disarm it. Do you know how?
Wimpy Male Spy Actor: Uh…no.
Female Spy Actor: That’s okay. I’ll take care of it.
Diana: And…CUT!
Wimpy Male Spy Actor: How’d we do?
Diana: Terrific! I’m sure this movie will promote peace, understanding, social equality, and diversity and tolerance like never before. The audience will just love it!

(She cups her ear and leans slightly toward Stage Left. The sound of a couple of nickels being tossed into a tin cup can be heard.)

Diana: Ah well, another box office dud. Better luck next time. Well, looks like my work is done here!

(She leaves.)

(The actors look at each other. Then drone on, absolutely devoid of any passion…)

All: Thanks…Diana…Goddess of Womens’ Lib…

ACT X
Grand Jury

United States President William Jefferson Clinton: I want you to listen to me. I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. I never told anyone to lie.
Grand Jury Foreman: But Linda Tripp and Monica Lewinsky say that’s exactly what you did do.
Monica Lewinsky: That’s right!
Clinton: Tramp.
Linda Tripp: That’s right!
Clinton: Liar.
Paula Jones: He did the same thing to me, and I can describe his private parts!
Clinton: Slut.
Juanita Broadderick: He assaulted me!
Clinton: They all must be lying. Excuse me for a minute. (Clinton takes a cell phone out of his pocket and dials a number. He holds it to his ear.) Yes, Internal Revenue Service? This is President Bill Clinton. I think someone needs an audit this year, to sort of put them in their place. We’ll talk later. (Puts phone away.) Now then, where was I?
Ken Starr: This is too much. Perjury…Obstruction of Justice…Abuse of Power…I’m going to put together some articles of impeachment on this.
Grand Jury Foreman: You can have him when we get done with him. This is looking very serious.
Grand Juror #1: Indeed it does.
Grand Juror #2: Yes, indeed.
Ken Starr: And President Clinton, how would you explain this? (He produces a blue dress in a transparent garment bag.)
Grand Jury Foreman: Oh, dear.
Grand Juror #1: This seems to nail it shut.
Grand Juror #2: Indeed it does.

Chorus: I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore…

(Diana leaps onto the stage.)

Diana: Put that soiled blue dress DOWN.
Ken Starr: Excuse me?
Diana: Put the dress DOWN. Blue dresses are for closers. You think I’m messing with you? My friend, I am not messing with you.
Voice from Offstage: Excuse me.
Diana: What? Who’s that?
(The Voice walks on from Stage Left. He’s the Boss from Act 4.)
Boss: You remember me? I’m the Boss from Act 4. You ended my career and sent me to the salt mines back in 1973, because I used my power and authority to intimidate a defenseless young woman. I’d like to thank you for doing that to me, Diana. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve learned to respect women, and treat them as equals even if my experience and authority is far greater…and it is always wrong to treat another human being as a plaything.
Diana: You’re welcome, Boss. And if I may say so, it shows impressive maturity and depth of character for you to say such a thing.
Boss: Think nothing of it, Diana. One question though. Isn’t what President Clinton did, here, exactly the same as what I did twenty-six years ago?
Diana: Uh…well…not really.
Boss: Then what’s the difference?
Diana: He’s the President of the United States. You were just the Boss in some backwoods little paper clip manufacturing company in Idaho.
Grand Juror #1: Waitaminnit! You’re saying if you accumulate some power and authority, you can’t abuse and exploit women…but if you accumulate more, then that somehow becomes alright?
Diana: Yes…I mean…no…I mean…well…what I meant to say, was…look. He’s the President, okay? When he takes the oath of office, he promises to tell the truth. And who are we to doubt what he says?
Another Voice from Offstage: Excuse me…
Grand Jury Foreman: Who goes there?
(The Voice walks on from Stage Right. He’s the Vice President from Act 6, the one Diana hauled away.)
Vice President: I’m the one who was accused of sexual harrassment in Act 6. Diana, you believed the woman who accused me — took her word over mine — just because she was a woman. My company was forced to hand over a huge amount of cash to her, even though she was lying. Why is it we seem to have different rules today where President Clinton is involved?
Diana: Well, I believe I already…uh…addressed that…
Ken Starr: Diana, there is something I think you need to know.
Diana: Oh, really?
Ken Starr: Yes, it has to do with this blue dress I have in this bag here.
Diana: What’s that?
Ken Starr: Well…uh…
(He leans in, and whispers something into Diana’s ear. Diana looks back at him, shocked.)
Diana: Really?
(Ken Starr nods.)
(Diana looks at President Clinton. President Clinton looks down, at the floor. Diana’s face turns red.)
Diana: Well, uh, I suppose that might change things a little…no…no…no, not really. It doesn’t really change anything. It’s the question. Yes, that’s it. The question was indecent. You shouldn’t have asked it in the first place. In fact, in view of what an awful, horrible, intensely personal question that was, I direct you to think there is no such thing as a lie. You can’t lie in response to an outlandish question such as that. Even if you’re the President speaking under oath, nobody should condemn him for lying about it…which he didn’t do.
Boss: Really?
Diana: Yes, really. In fact, I just thought of something. What President Clinton did is nothing like what you did. Nothing! Because you were forcing yourself on that girl. President Clinton’s…uh…behavior…was entirely consensual. Entirely consensual! That changes everything.
Another Voice from Offstage: It didn’t change anything with us…
Diana: Who’s that?
(The latest Voice walks onstage. It is the Lady Jogger from Act 7. This time she is in a bridal gown, and she is walking on from Stage Left, hand-in-hand with the Construction Worker.)

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Diana, Goddess of Womens’ LibThursday, May 22nd, 2008

Diana, Goddess of Womens’ Lib
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008